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it's exactly what it looks like

I really thought it might be fun to try some of these cheap beers and post about them since you probably won't read about them in any serious beer publication, internet or otherwise. But I'm about ready to post about some good beers--and I've got plenty saved up. But before I'm done with the cheap beers, I've got two more to cover. And they're serious cheap beers.

We'll start with Natural Ice. Yes. You read it right. Natural fucking Ice. A/k/a Natty Ice.

It's hard for me to say who this beer is marketed towards and/or who actually buys it. I don't think I've ever seen anyone drinking it--much less buying it. But despite all logic and reason, this beer exists.

Quickly, I'll cover the taste. To be honest, it tastes about like Beast, but with more sourness. This is not a good thing. Remember how I said Beast wasn't quite as bad as it's made out to be (http://typedslowly.com/2010/03/03/drinking-it-all-12-milwaukees-best-tallboy/)? That was me being fairly generous. Natty Ice tastes worse than Beast. So, bad.

Now let's look at the packaging. The can's label/design looks like it was put together by a 13 year-old boy who's into cars with lots of chrome accessories. Also, imagine said design was printed out on a printer from the early 90's--fuzzy dots covering everything. Enticing? That's the kind economical design that speaks to the product's ultimate purpose.

I've pointed out the bylines on some of the other cheap beers, so I'll call attention to Natty Ice's as well. "Ice brewed for a naturally smooth taste," says the label in a substantially smaller font than the "5.9% alc./vol" that appears just below (priorities). I do not pretend to know everything about making beer; I know barely more than someone who knows nothing about the process. But. I'll be damned if something called "ice brew[ing]" doesn't sound like a big stinkin' pile of bullshit. And I bet against the probability that there has ever been a person standing in a curb store trying to decide between Natty Ice and anything who notices said byline and figures what he/she really needs is a beer that was "ice brewed." Could be wrong, but it definitely doesn't sell it for me.

Not a good beer. Pick something else. I drank it so you don't have to.

Thumbs up or thumbs down? Down. See above.

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look out, this beer's in a "specially lined can"

The next stop in cheap beer land is Keystone Light. This beer is Coors Light's little cousin, just as Beast is Miller Lite's little cousin. The fact that I'm not a drinker of Coors Light, or really any Coors product, should make this review fairly objective (or that's what we'll say).

There's a label on this beer's can that claims it's "Always Smooth." These two words are trademarked as well, so just imagine I put the small capital TM after Always Smooth. This post is in no way an attempt to usurp Coors' trademark of "Always Smooth." Ok. We'll just say they've taken some creative liberties with the word smooth. Interested yet?

Keystone Light is, admittedly, a beer I've had a fair amount of times prior to the one I'm drinking right now. I've been to frat parties, and I've also been to establishments that serve cheap beer from Coors taps when said taps' lines run back to Keystone kegs. (This is only heresay/conjecture. Take it as you like.) However, the 4-pack of Keystone Light that I bought for this post is the first I've actually purchased Keystone in longer than I can remember (we'll say at least 6 years, possibly more).

So how does it taste? It tastes about like you'd think. (Excuse the rhetorical ?'s.) I can't think of a beverage that exemplifies the term watery more so than this beer. Please remember some of the ways I've described beers in previous posts, or go back and read some if you haven't already, and now understand that basically none of those terms apply to this beer, Keystone Light. This beer tastes about like someone made a sun-tea with regular beer ingredients then added alcohol. But somehow it's also sour. So sour water that tastes mildly like beer. But it has alcohol.

This is a party beer, plain and simple. Not something to be had in any situation where drinking a case of beer in one sitting isn't a medal of honor (sorry about the double negatives--I think it makes more sense though).

Also, this beer boasts an interesting byline: Specially Lined Can. I'm no metallurgist, but this beer tastes like the can could have been lined, specially, with tepid water. Or less-than-mediocrity. Whichever's funnier, you tell me. It's a shitty beer.

Thumbs up of thumbs down? Down. You could specially line the can with gold and I wouldn't buy this beer (again)--at least not to drink.

makin' it cool

Marvel at its ability to extract internal heat from items (i.e., beers) and leave them cold to the touch. Magic! See how it stands free of cumbersome generators and complicated machinery. Self-contained! Super! Is that a handle allowing easy access inside the machine? Goddamn right it is! In there's where the beer goes!

Now that we're done with all the shouting, here's what the refrigerator (correct spelling--looked it up) is going to do:

1. House any prospective beers that need to be fermented at temperatures other than whatever the hell it is in the closet. That means you, lagers.

2. House any amount of beer (or food during holidays) that doesn't fit in our regular refrigerator.

3. House kegs once I begin kegging the beer. This will require installing taps on the door, and hopefully this will happen soon--donations to the cause are welcome (preferably in the form of traffic for this site--tell yo friends).

Important Note--This refrigerator came into my possession as a donation from my good friend Scooter, an aficionado of beers in his own right. He has agreed to accept compensation in the form of beer, which is worth its weight in gold--when it's good. His contribution is greatly appreciated, and he will certainly get what's coming to him (in a good way).

I got beer technology, bitches. Pow.

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Over the next few Drinking It All posts, I'm going to take a little detour from the IPAs and other craft beers that are likely to cost six or more dollars a sixpack. I invite you to come with me and wander around the seventh circle of beer world (I won't call it hell--it is still beer) and try some beers you might not have had since the last frat party you went to in college that wasn't all that fun and made you feel awkward and ready to go. These are beers that don't usually get much love. But they are still beers--or what we'll call beers.

big and beastly

We'll start with an old favorite and oft maligned beer called Milwaukee's Best. Hereafter called by it's more famous nickname: Beast (this one is of the red variety).

Beast is made by Miller Brewing and is basically Miller Lite's little cost-effective cousin. (I've been told that the only real difference in the two is the amount of marketing done for Miller Lite--discuss.) It tastes fairly similar to Miller Lite. Maybe a bit hairier. Which is to say that it tastes about like any of the big domestic lagers: little to no hops, just enough barley/grain/rice to resemble beer, and water. This beer is best when it comes out of an ice chest on a hot day and is cheap or free.

This description can easily be read as a negative one; however, I mean it in the best way. Beast is a beer that I remember drinking in college. It was cheap--I was poor, it tasted like beer and had alcohol--I was a fan of both, and it was generally frowned upon by my friends who drank Bud Light religiously--nobody'd steal it at parties. So maybe it's nostalgia more than anything that has convinced me that this beer is not that bad, but I remain conviced that it's just not as bad as people think. It's good when going to the beach, being on a boat, eating crawfish, damn near anything that happens outside in the sun and is ice chest-friendly.

It would be unfair to hold this beer, or any of the big domestic little cousins, up to the same standard as, say, a Sam Adams seasonal. These are beers that have a specific purpose, and usually consumer, that, I think, makes it a little easier to value them for what they are. The same as you wouldn't wear dress shoes to play basketball or running shoes to a job interview, you'd not drink Beast in the same situations as you would Sam Adams. Or maybe you would, but the exception doesn't negate the analogy.

Thumbs up or thumbs down? Up, if the situation demands it.

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sweet water + mystery hops=yes, yes, yes

The last of the papers have been graded--it's officially time for beer.

So, I'm going through and finishing the hanger-ons from some sixpacks I bought specifically to post about. Today I'm on the last Sweetwater IPA from a sixpack a friend brought back with him the last time he was in town. Sweetwater's the premeire, I guess, brewery in Atlanta, GA. Or at least it's the only one I know of. I think they're most famous for their 420 Pale Ale, but that's for another day.

I realize the last post was about an IPA, as is is this one (I've also got one more IPA in the dugout), so I'll try to switch it up a bit the next couple out. The Sweetwater IPA is described (on the label) as being a mammoth IPA with generous quantities of premium hops. Very specific, I know. Although vague, this description seems pretty apt to me. The hops are definitely a big part of the beer--it's spicy and bitter, more so than the Anniversary Ale of the last post. This is one of the few IPAs I've had that tastes pretty close to what hops actually smell like. And this is a fantastic thing. (You, dear reader, should smell hops, either pellets or whole leaf. To put it subtly--Sheeit. (In a good way))

I can't be specific about what type of hops were used, nor can I give any kind of educated guess, but whatever they are seems to work well. This is a solid IPA. It's a bit tougher than a standard Pale Ale, such as Sierra Nevada's or Anchor's Liberty Ale, but not so much so to turn people off--I don't think.

I've heard that you can volunteer to work in the Sweetwater brewery for a day and receive some beer as a gift/reward. I'd strongly recommend volunteering when/if you're in the Atlanta area (haven't done it myself, but I haven't really been to Atlanta since I was probably 12). Free beer's always a good incentive to do some manual labor, and if this beer's free--sign me up.

Thumbs up or thumbs down? I'm going with up. Obviously I'm stupid for IPAs, and this one's a keeper.

P.S. Lest you think I'm focusing too much on beers I'm fond of (a fair statement (afterall, I'm the one doing the drinking here)), I'm always up for suggestions. Also, I know there are plenty of bad beers I can get my hands on, so look forward to the next couple of entries being particularly amusing (read: bad, cheap, shitty).

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that's a hoppin bitch

So I've been out of commision for some time now. And I've been saving some last-of-the-sixpack-beers for posts but have also been too lazy to post. The beers are still there, I'm still here, you are (I guess) still there, so let's talk about some fucking beer.

Specifically Sierra Nevada's 2009 Anniversary Ale. This beer's an IPA style, which I'm happy about, but they change the recipe every year. (Not having had any previous anniversary ales, or wanting to look it up, I can't tell you if they're all IPAs.) I doubt that you'd have much luck finding this beer on the shelves anymore, though you might, because I bought the sixpack probably 3 or 4 months ago. That's right, I've been saving this for that long. That's willpower to drive a truck. Big fuckin truck.

So the beer is an IPA, which, good little students know, tastes hoppy more so than malty. They've used Cascade hops for this beer. If you've had Sierra Nevada's Pale Ale, you should know Cascade hops well--they're the reason that that Pale Ale tastes somewhat like grapefruit. So this Anniversary Ale is not so much different than the Pale Ale, except for a more pronounced hop flavor.

Again, this is good. None of this is to say that the beer tastes like hop tea. It's definitely a balanced beer that just leans more towards hops than malt. It's easier to drink than other IPAs I've had are. By that I mean that someone who isn't necessarily into IPAs would be likely to pick this one up and not be surprised by such a strong hop (though they wouldn't call it hops, I imagine) aspect.

If I had the moneys, I'd drink this all the time. Although it is relatively cheap, but now probably out of stock. We (I) all look forward to next year.

Thumbs up or thumbs down? Up, but it's not like I can go buy it again now is it?

About two weeks ago, I cooked up a batch of American Wheat, which was/is to become a Cherry Wheat beer--and hopefully not as overwhelmingly cherry as a certain cherry beer I've publicly berated. This beer has already been bottled and should be primed sufficiently about a week from now. If you want to find out what kinds of frog legs and tennis shoes I tossed in the pot, you know what to do.

The software:

6 lbs Northern Brewer Wheat liquid extract (65-35)

1 lb Weyermann Pale wheat grain

1 oz Cascade pellets

0.5 oz Williamette pellets

Wyeast 1010 American Wheat yeast

2 oz. cherry extract

(I've been cruising on autopilot with these last few beers, for better or worse, and basically follow the same steps while brewing. This'll read familiar if you've followed any of the last few entries.)

the beginnings of an american wheat

I steeped the pale wheat grain for 30 minutes at a temp. between 150 and 160 F. I started with only 1.5 gallons of water. After that half hour, I added another 1.5 gallons of water and brought it all to a boil. Then the extract and Cascade pellets went in. I let this boil for 90 minutes, which is longer than I usually boil, and to be honest, I don't remember why I let it go this long. There's certainly nothing wrong with cooking it the extra 30 minutes, but I don't remember having a reason for doing so.

After the wort boiled for 90 minutes, I took it off the heat and tossed in the 0.5 oz. of Williamette pellets and let the pot sit in an ice bath. (I still haven't gotten a wort chiller, but if anyone wants to donate one to the cause, it will be accepted.)

This beer was only the second one I got a Wyeast smack pack for (the first time I used a smack pack, I didn't actually pop the nutrient pack on the inside--nonetheless, the yeast worked), and I made damn sure to bust the nutrient pack this time. The yeast pack swelled, so I know I got it. I pitched the yeast when the wort had cooled to about 75 F.

fully proofed smack pack meeting wheat wort

When I bottled this beer I added a little less than half of a 4 oz. bottle of cherry extract.

The starting gravity was 1.050, and when I bottled the beer, it was 1.010. When it's ready to drink I'll update.

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if you're gonna be a king, be a big king

Even though I've previously said that PBR and High Life are my go-to beers as far as domestic cheap beer is concerned, I've got to admit that there's another domestic cheap beer that gets heavy rotation so to speak with me. Budweiser, the self-titled king of beers, is a beer that I'll get if the bar doesn't have PBR or High Life or if I'm not interested in drinking premium beer. Same applies for curb stores or grocery stores. I could also get into the subtle differences in PBR as cheap domestic and Budweiser as slightly less cheap domestic, but I'll save that for another time.

Since I'm an admitted fan of big beers when they're an option, I picked up some Budweiser tallboys. That's 16 oz or one American pint. The brewers are pretty accurate in calling Budweiser the "King of Beers" even though that title is vague at best. Certainly in terms of sales, profitability, and availability, Budweiser (and Bud Light, etc.) leads the pack. Although I imagine that there are plenty of other beers that would qualify as kings but in a different kingdom, we'll say. However, I don't mean to knock Budweiser--it's a solid domestic beer that certainly has its purpose. People drink Budweiser at tailgates, parties, hole-in-the-wall bars, and other places/situations where relatively cheap and easy beers are preferable to say the Old Stock Ale I reviewed the other day. That is to say Budweiser has its place. And it's an awful big place.

The beer is a lager, as are most of the big brewery domestics (Coors, Miller, PBR), and it tastes like beer. I know that's about as vague as it can get, but Budweiser is made to not really taste like anything specific, I think. That's why it's so damn successful--it appeals to the lowest common denominator in a way. It tastes like the first beer you ever drank, probably. It should be cold, and more than any specific taste of malt or hops, the carbonation helps define the flavor/feel of the beer.

Budweiser's good when you're making the turn and starting the back nine or when you're sitting down to a big pile of boiled crawfish. Like I did in the PBR review, I'll describe Budweiser in terms of the situations when it makes the most sense. For these big brewery domestics, the situation dictates the beer more than the other way around, I think.

Thumbs up or thumbs down? Like I said earlier, if there's no PBR or High Life, I go for a Budweiser.

Last Sunday, I brewed a Red Ale kit that was given to me as a Christmas present this year. I've put off posting about it most of this week. And for no good reason, really. But now I've found myself in front of the computer with my notes in hand, so here it is.

The software:

12 oz. specialty grains (I have no idea what grains were included--this kit is secretive)

7 lbs Briess golden light extract (liquid)

1 oz. Amarillo hops

amarillo hop pellets and my hand

1 oz. Ahtanum hops

Nottingham Dry yeast

I brewed this beer by myself, but I followed the same process as we always have. First, I brought 1.5 gallons of water up to 150 F. Then I steeped the mystery/specialty grains at (or around) 150 F for half an hour.

it doesn't look red, but it'll be red

After I took out the grains (they then went into the compost cause we're green), I brought the liquid up to a boil and added the 7 lbs of extract and the 1 oz. of Amarillo hops.

Then I waited, stirred, waited, stirred, waited, ad nauseam for an hour.

After it had boiled for an hour, I took it off the heat and added the 1 oz. of Ahtanum hops. Then I put the pot in my icebath of sorts. (Lately, my ice baths are me putting the pot of wort into a sink full of cold water and some ice packs. This is not the most efficient way to cool the wort, nor is it the way I'd recommend doing so. I have yet to get/make a wort chiller, so until I do, this is how my wort does its thing.) When the temp. reached about 115 F, I poured the cool wort into the fermentor and added enough water to top it off at 5 gallons (I also put at least a gallon of water in the freezer about an hour prior so that some of the water is really cold and will drop the wort temp. down to a nice 90-95 F).

This kit came with Danstar dry yeast, so all I had to do was rip that bad boy open and dump it in the fermentor. Also, I made sure that I aerated the wort by stirring it up while it cooled and making splashes when I poured it in the fermentor. Yeasts need O2 to live y'all.

The OG was 1.052 before fermentation.

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Since I've waited so long to post this entry, I've actually already bottled the beer. Today I was busy with bottling this beer and cooking up the next batch of beer. Which you'll have to wait to find out about. Suspense--ooh.

red ale ready to get bottled

The final gravity was 1.014, so the final alcohol content came out to 3.99 ABV.

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slow drinkin' like a bourbon. slow is the new fast.

Today I'm reviewing another beer that my wife brought home as a surprise. This beer is, like the last one, made by North Coast Brewing Co. I've only had one other of this brewery's beers, Red Seal Ale, and I am constantly trying to find it again. These are solid brewers. But so this beer is a "Limited Release," which is too vague to mean much to me, and it's a big beer to say the least.

Old Stock Ale (2009) is an old ale style beer that's probably closer to wine than what most people think of as beer. It carries a big 11.5% alcohol tag, so you should drink it a bit more slowly and carefully than you would say PBR. (Those are two different ball games--actually, it's more like they're two different mediums. It'd be like comparing golf and Southern literature. (They're both entertainment (and both beers are beers), but they couldn't be more distant in function, make-up, and rules. These beers don't play by the same rules--that's fairly concise). End comparison--begin review.)

The Old Stock Ale, as is stated on the bottle and 4-pack carrier, is made with Maris Otter Pale malt and Fuggles hops. The brewery suggests that the beers be cellared and tasted after a year, or more. I refuse to wait that long. Can't do it. The carrier also indicates that the beer has won platinum and gold medals in the World Beer Championships in Chicago, so I could take their word that it's a good beer. But actually I don't have to take their word. I'll just drink it instead.

-Suspenseful interim-

They're right. It's a good beer. Here's how it's good.

The taste is malty. And, even though this might sound strange, the high alcohol content contributes to the taste. Relative to wine and liquor, 11.5% alcohol seems slight, but this beer reminds me of a good bourbon drink. (By no means do I mean here that higher alcohol means better beer, or better tasting beer, but the alcohol affects the taste in this beer in a positive way. Being able to taste the alcohol shouldn't be a bad thing. Would enthusiasts drink good bourbons or gins that masked the alcohol? I imagine not--the alcohol imparts character to the drink just as important as any other ingredient. Same with this Old Stock Ale.) It tastes of caramel with just enough hops at the end to know they're there. I imagine a mild bourbon and Coke (pretend I put a registered trademark here) lightly dryhopped. If that sounds strange, trust me, it's good. It's warming--good for drinking in the winter. It's high in alcohol--good for drinking slowly, which makes it last longer (our absolute mission in life, in everything). And it's recognizably malty, heavy beer. Pretend you're an Englishman 150 years ago drinking beer in a dark, pub called the Queen's Arm in Kensington, London.

If you've had this beer and think I'm out of my mind, please tell me why. I invite constructive criticism and just plain old mean criticism, but only if it's funny and free of grammatical errors (Proofread goddammit. Just because you're writing on the internet doesn't mean, necessarily, that no one's looking.).

Thumbs up or thumbs down? Thumbs up. I wish I had more to cellar until next year, but I'd probably just drink them before then anyway. Such impatience.